Happy Valentine’s day! If you look at the Roman story of how Valentine’s day began it reads that the emperor at the time banned marriages for men because he felt that they made bad soldiers. Some did not see this as right and took action like Saint Valentine did. He put together marriages in secret, and was eventually caught and put to prison. It is said that before he was put to death he was falling in love with the jailor’s daughter, and wrote a letter to her ending with “…from your Valentine;” he was then executed on the 14th of February… Whether this story is true or not, it seems like a bloody way to describe the origins of Valentine’s day. If we look at the character and boldness of Mr Valentine, we can see that he was passionate about marriage i.e. the wellbeing of men who wanted to get married, understood the importance for the “structure” of love, and was romantic enough to write his sweetheart a letter before his deathbed.

The reality is, not everyone is like Saint Valentine, in fact, a lot of people are not like him. Some people will not even have the opportunity to share their love. Finding love over the past few years has statistically proven to be difficult for many. We can see that people are either getting divorced, mainly due to financial reasons, or people are preferring to want to live a “less-committed life-style”. More and more people do not want to get married, and this trend is namely seen in men. Even though the data shows this, it does not mean men (and women) do not want to find their true Valentine. I believe that in order for you to find your Valentine, you need to be in the right place and time, adopting the right mindset. Of course with these things it requires time, which is dependent upon the individuals involved. Supporting these things there are 3 main things that you should look for:


1. Purpose

The person you meet needs to feel compelled to have a dominant reason for their existence. This may be a little strong but they need to have a sense of identity aligned to a common core belief and understanding. This is important because it allows the person to clearly define what their standards are, and how that comparatively links to yours. Purpose may come in many different forms, some of those derive from religion, personal development beliefs or even an endeavour, project or movement they are aspiring towards. Everything that they do conforms to this common purpose that makes them the person they are. Naturally, people are attracted to people of purpose whether it is of a romantic nature or not. These people give others around them confidence that what they say, do or have is of substance. In a relationship, if you are with someone who can provide that comfort based on their identity and purpose, you are less likely going to want to go somewhere else.

Their upbringing also defines and molds their purpose. We can all identify with experiences that have accumulated to help us make decisions in life. Those decisions express the make-up of our very being, which is what people can see and identify with. Our society has allowed us to become more diverse in our options for potential partners, showing potentially that there is more common ground for us to co-translate similarities of our background, or maybe fill a void that the past did not fill before. But let it be made clear that the context of one’s background definitely defines part of their purpose from every aspect, from a social, emotional, psychological, educational, financial, entrepreneurial, cultural, racial and economic degree.

A man or woman with purpose is a man or woman that many are sought after, but not everyone can reach. With that in mind, you should reflect upon yourself and determine how others define you by your purpose. You can only be sure of this by:

  1. Defining your purpose
  2. Asking others to define your purpose

Bearing this in mind, it is important to note that it may not be as hard to find someone with purpose as you think, because they are usually in places where their purpose calls them i.e. a specific religious denomination, networking events, charities, other meeting points and social gatherings. You need to be open and willing to take a chance. Should one go looking for their partner? I wouldn’t necessarily say so but what I will say is if someone gives you a bit of a buzz, don’t be shy to take it a little bit further socially. Talk to them, swap numbers, talk some more, and meet up. At the talking stage, you can assess their purpose based on asking the right questions. I’m not trying to make it sound so easy, but it is trial and error, you have to go through the numbers (socially) to know what works and who is right for you. Give it a go!

2. Passion

The second thing that is vitally important is a person who has an intense desire and enthusiasm for personal and collaborative success. A person who lacks ambition, or is not willing to enhance their potential should not be in your life in any capacity unless you voluntarily choose to be with them (work, other professions and inescapable socio-economic conditions excuse this fact). When you find a person who has the dynamic character to go above and beyond for your success, it is a special arrangement. Of course, this is not a one-sided factor because passion requires energy, and therefore you also need to be “enthusiastic” in order to be desired. It is the basic law of reciprocity. Passion can be given and received in many different ways, but it starts with the small behaviours and courtesies that you show towards each other. It starts with the willingness to want to help and support them in an endeavour. It starts with due-diligent, empathetic and sensible communication. It starts with having a purpose and following through with it. Passion can come in waves, but when it arrives it should be utilized and funneled for the right reasons.


3. Presence

The last factor is finding someone who has impressive manner or appearance. This is a whole mix of things, but someone who fulfills the last two criteria and has presence as well is a keeper! What is presence? It is where someone, without fault, can command the attention of the room. They are able to influence and get things done because of who they are. Presence can be a mix of things, it could be as simple as someone’s demographic phenotypic features, their voice, their style and branding, their vibe and energy, their smile and charisma, their jokes and many more. People have something about them, and that is partly what makes them “unique”. Presence usually is linked to a perceived sense of confidence. Confidence is good, arrogance is not. We say confidence is good because in a society that could be seen as weak mentally, due to a rise in techno-social influences, confidence is a highly sought-after characteristic. We do not want narcissism, egotism or arrogance but real genuine confidence. It starts with having purpose and passion, which partly bears the fruit of presence.

Of course one can enhance their presence with cosmetics, nutrition, exercise and muscle conditioning routines, courses, and improving our skills, however, we should want to aim to make sure that it does not turn to complete superficiality and aligns to what we want deep down as a person.


And that is it! We don’t always find our Cinderella or Prince Charming, but we can have standards to help us sieve through the crap. Can you fall in love with anyone? I would argue to an extent, especially with a lot of people, but we have the choice to determine who we want to choose based on our standards. And besides “falling in love” could be deep lust until you realise they are not good for you. With time, you will find the right person. Happy Valentine’s day!